Enabling

 

Stand by Your Man

Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

It is possible to love him, but not like his behavior.

People have a hard time separating the artist from his work of art, the creator from his creations. This is the basis for the popular wisdom, and why it also so hard, to love the sinner but hate the sin. Ty Cobb and Pete Rose were wonderful baseball players, but deeply flawed human beings.

And people have a hard time separating exceptional behavior in one field from poor behavior in another field. This is the basis for the “Peter Principle,” where people are promoted into situations  for which they are not suited because it mistakenly assumed, for example, that a good salesman will make a great manager of other salesmen. Ted Williams was a Hall of Fame baseball player, but a lousy manager of other baseball players.

So how do you know if you are loving, not resisting, the bad behavior and not rewarding, enabling, the bad behavior? Are you making excuses for the bad behavior? Are you ignoring your needs to deal with that bad behavior? Are you taking on more responsibilities to deal with that bad behavior?Are you lending financial support to further that bad behavior? Are you resenting that bad behavior? Are you afraid that if you don’t accept the bad behavior, you will not receive love in return? Are you perpetuating this enabling because this is what you learned from others?

To deal with this bad behavior you first have to admit this is bad behavior. You have to set and stick to strict boundaries that you will not accept this bad behavior. You have to learn how to say no.

Because just as people are not their good behavior, people are not their bad behavior. Stand by and love your man, but this does not mean liking his bad behavior.